Fantasy

[3.5] Pia Zadora and Craig Sheffer star in a no-budget sci-fi rock opera that’s so abominable, it’s almost charming. When a bunch of space dudes in pink costumes land on Earth looking for the source of rock music, they find it in Zadora’s singing. While Zadora starts to fall in love with the lead alien guy (Tom Nolan), Sheffer gets jealous and decides to stop …

[5.0] Forces conspire to keep Harry Potter from returning to his second year at the Hogwarts wizarding school. Apparently, the big bad Voldemoort (who we still don’t see but hear about all the time) put a monster in a mysterious ‘chamber of secrets’ at the school, and only his true heir can unlock the chamber and let the monster out. This would suck because the …

[5.0] You know the story. Poor orphaned boy gets invited to a magical wizarding school and is destined to be the main adversary for a big bad meanie who is slowly manifesting (over, like, three or four movies). What I dislike about Harry Potter, in general, is how generic it is. Author J.K. Rowling has pulled just about every imaginable concept out of humanity’s collective asshole …

[6.0] Another passable Marvel movie. Let’s see. What was this one about. Shit. I saw about a week ago… I remember Paul Rudd and the new girl (Evangeline Lilly) spend most of the movie trying to get back Michael Douglas’ super cool high-tech laboratory. And it’s hard, because it can shrink just like Paul Rudd can, and be carried around like a toy. How it …

[6.5] The Apple is a glorious abomination of cinema that must be seen to be believed. Catherine Mary Stewart (The Last Starfighter, Night of the Comet) and George Gilmour star as singing lovers who are torn apart when an evil record label drives a wedge between them. Through religious allegory, disco, lavish song numbers, sex, and camp, the two are finally reunited at a hippie …

[6.0] Christopher Robin (Ewan McGregor) is all grown up. He’s weathered the horrors of WWII, gotten married, had a child, and now he’s caught in the day-to-day grind of working life. Meanwhile, Winnie the Pooh, Eeyore, and the other residents of the Hundred Acre Wood have been carrying on without him for ten to twenty years. But serendipity brings them together, and Winnie decides that …

[6.5] After the polarizing (and frankly great) The Last Jedi, and the almost insufferable Rogue One, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect from another Star Wars movie. But I was excited about the casting of Alden Ehrenreich as Han Solo, because his performance in the Coen Brothers’ Hail, Caesar is one the most charismatic turns I’ve seen at the movies in many years. And …

[7.0] SPOILERS. I think. If you care, don’t read! I’m so glad we have a superhero who flirts with both men and women. In Deadpool 2, Ryan Reynold’s wisecracking vigilante is seen grabbing the iron ass of Colossus, going tip to tip with Cable, and still pining for Wolverine. Maybe he’s done as much for gay rights as Will & Grace or Ellen. Plus, what other …

[8.0] I’ve been hard on Marvel movies for being cookie-cutter and devoid of surprises, but Avengers: Infinity War stops that trend dead in its tracks. Directors Anthony and Joe Russo (Captain America: The Winter Soldier and Civil War) are downright masterful at keeping Infinity War going strong from beginning to end, with never a dull moment, all the action you’d expect, far more laughs than …

[6.5] Steven Spielberg brings Ernest Cline’s book to the big screen. It’s about a dystopian future in which everyone is poor and living in squalor, so they spend most of their free time living in a big virtual game world called The Oasis. Now, I hate video games, so I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to get into this movie, but …

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