Worst Movies Ever

[2.5] The days become unnaturally long in the town of Centerville, where two cops played by Adam Driver and Bill Murray drive around protecting the community. But when zombies begin roaming the streets, they find themselves in over their heads with only a strange new Scottish mortician (Tilda Swinton) to help them… or not. In any case, as Adam Driver’s character says throughout the movie, …

[2.5] James Spader and Keanu Reeves star in this tired, busily boring, and wretchedly made thriller about a serial killer who likes to play games with the FBI agent on his trail. I can’t fault Spader for doing his best here as the agent, now retired and in psychotherapy with Marisa Tomei. Tomei, who I think is underrated, has precious little to do. It’s clear …

[1.0] When I heard Shane Black (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, screenwriter behind Lethal Weapon) was directing and Fred Dekker (The Monster Squad) was cowriting, I thought The Predator would have the right ingredients for a successful relaunch. I don’t know to what extent studio interference played a part, but if I were Black or Dekker I would have had my name removed from this film …

[2.0] A giant radioactive lizard terrorizes New York City. There are probably at least 100 different ways this could have been more interesting and exciting, but producers Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich (Independence Day) instead opt to make their Godzilla movie two hours and twenty minutes of  implausible, joyless tedium. The characters (if you could call them that) have no spunk, no personality, nothing to …

[2.0] Thrashin’ is the quintessential bad ’80s movie. There’s an anemic plot involving two warring skateboarding gangs and a boy who falls in love with the sister of a rival gang member. It’s a goofy Romeo and Juliet on tiny wheels, where none of the kids have parents and most of life’s mysteries are answered with a good musical montage. Thrashin’ is really just a …

[2.0] John Carpenter has given us a handful of gems over the years, but Ghosts of Mars is not one of them. The movie’s too exotic for its own good. It starts with some quick but tedious exposition, then plops us off in a confusing, alienating environment with little to latch onto. The story has something to do with ghosts and a bunch of leftover …

[2.0] This laughably bad melodrama is based on a Eugene O’Neill stage play about a woman who cheats on her mentally ill husband in order to have a kid who won’t end up in the looney bin. Clark Gable and Norma Shearer give insanely over-the-top theatrical performances. I was reminded of Jon Lovitz’s ‘Actor’ skit on Saturday Night Live. The movie is also littered with …

[2.0] The charm that young Jason Bateman exhibited on television’s The Hogan Family is absent here, stifled by a painfully insipid script and direct-to-video production values. I can’t think of another movie sequel that so closely mimics its predecessor. The only differences between the two movies are the lead actor and the sport they play. The film even returns several inconsequential supporting characters, whether they’re …

[2.0] A bunch of sad, scowling, mopey teenagers cry and whine for two hours because they’re afraid to fuck each other. Some of them are vampires, some of them are werewolves, but nothing ever comes of it. And the main girl? Man, let me tell you. This chick is in MASSIVE need of some serious fucking. If she doesn’t get laid soon, I don’t know …

[1.5] When a vacationing family discover a town full of goblins disguised as people, they have to escape before they become goblin food. This is one of the most famously awful movies ever made — a perfect storm of horrible writing, horrible acting, and horrible execution. What really sets the movie apart, though, are a series of truly ‘what the fuck’ moments. Take for example, …

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