Worst Movies Ever

[1.0] When I heard Shane Black (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, screenwriter behind Lethal Weapon) was directing and Fred Dekker (The Monster Squad) was cowriting, I thought The Predator would have the right ingredients for a successful relaunch. I don’t know to what extent studio interference played a part, but if I were Black or Dekker I would have had my name removed from this film …

[2.0] A giant radioactive lizard terrorizes New York City. There are probably at least 100 different ways this could have been more interesting and exciting, but producers Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich (Independence Day) instead opt to make their Godzilla movie two hours and twenty minutes of  implausible, joyless tedium. The characters (if you could call them that) have no spunk, no personality, nothing to …

[2.0] Thrashin’ is the quintessential bad ’80s movie. There’s an anemic plot involving two warring skateboarding gangs and a boy who falls in love with the sister of a rival gang member. It’s a goofy Romeo and Juliet on tiny wheels, where none of the kids have parents and most of life’s mysteries are answered with a good musical montage. Thrashin’ is really just a …

[2.0] John Carpenter has given us a handful of gems over the years, but Ghosts of Mars is not one of them. The movie’s too exotic for its own good. It starts with some quick but tedious exposition, then plops us off in a confusing, alienating environment with little to latch onto. The story has something to do with ghosts and a bunch of leftover …

[2.0] This laughably bad melodrama is based on a Eugene O’Neill stage play about a woman who cheats on her mentally ill husband in order to have a kid who won’t end up in the looney bin. Clark Gable and Norma Shearer give insanely over-the-top theatrical performances. I was reminded of Jon Lovitz’s ‘Actor’ skit on Saturday Night Live. The movie is also littered with …

[2.0] The charm that young Jason Bateman exhibited on television’s The Hogan Family is absent here, stifled by a painfully insipid script and direct-to-video production values. I can’t think of another movie sequel that so closely mimics its predecessor. The only differences between the two movies are the lead actor and the sport they play. The film even returns several inconsequential supporting characters, whether they’re …

[2.0] A bunch of sad, scowling, mopey teenagers cry and whine for two hours because they’re afraid to fuck each other. Some of them are vampires, some of them are werewolves, but nothing ever comes of it. And the main girl? Man, let me tell you. This chick is in MASSIVE need of some serious fucking. If she doesn’t get laid soon, I don’t know …

[1.5] When a vacationing family discover a town full of goblins disguised as people, they have to escape before they become goblin food. This is one of the most famously awful movies ever made — a perfect storm of horrible writing, horrible acting, and horrible execution. What really sets the movie apart, though, are a series of truly ‘what the fuck’ moments. Take for example, …

[2.5] Gordon Scott makes his debut as Tarzan in this entry. He’s a taller, beefier Tarzan — kinda cute, but certainly the dumbest of the lot. Poachers are in the jungle (again), and a well-meaning animal doctor is accidentally leading them into an area of the jungle ripe with big game. There’s also a skiddish African tribe called ‘the Sukulu’ drifting around in the screenplay. …

[2.0] German WWII soldiers killed and tossed into a French lake come back for revenge in this underwater Nazi zombie flick that is mostly famous for its generous amount of full-frontal female splendor. But it pretty much fails on all other counts: terrible makeup effects, chintzy war recreation scenes, underwater photography that was obviously shot in a YMCA pool, and a ridiculously sentimental subplot involving a …

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