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I enjoyed the blend of dark humor and horror that Eli Roth brought to his first film, Cabin Fever. And even though it was pretty much torture porn, I thought Hostel had merit, too. But The Green Inferno is a mess to me. I instantly hated the characters. Granted, I think we’re supposed to hate them, but since the whole cannibal thing doesn’t really happen until half-way through the film’s run-time, it kinda hurts. What’s worse is that Roth (writing and directing here) feels the need to preach to us about the perils of blind liberalism and fascist political correctness for a full half-hour before the film does anything remotely scary, tense, or interesting. Maybe he’s trying to follow in the footsteps of George Romero by imbuing the proceedings with a layer of social commentary, but Romero never stood on a clunky, point-blank soap box like this. Romero never stopped a movie from moving forward just so academic-minded folks could get their jollies — not for a few seconds, let alone a whole, dreary, didactic half-hour. No, Romero simply set up a scenario and let the audience bring to it what they will. This is the opposite of that. This is Eli Roth beating the audience over the head with the mighty club of obviousness. Just in case I’m not getting my point across, let me be clear: the first thirty minutes of The Green Inferno sucks real, real, real bad. Like, Man of Steel bad.

Then there’s the last half of the movie, which isn’t quite as bad. But it also isn’t quite that good. Like Cabin Fever, the shifts between horror and comedy are drastic and jarring. I mean, one minute you’re going to see the cannibals eating a kid and all his friends are crying and screaming in agony, fully aware of the fact that this will soon be their fate as well. And then you’ll find yourself right in the middle of a colossal fart joke. (The cannibal children actually wave the air in front of their faces.) And then you’ll find yourself in a sentimental moment like something out of a very special episode of Little House on the Prairie. My expression throughout most of The Green Inferno was one of disbelief. Not from the content, but from the whiplash the tonal shifts were giving me. And also from the ridiculousness of it all. My suspension of disbelief was strained to the breaking point as the film got exponentially sillier and sillier. And then there was a horrible coda that added insult to injury. And then even the end credit sequence became annoying. Twitter handles after cast and crew names might be a tongue-in-cheek joke, but the fact that I’m not sure about it leaves me cold. There’s some bad CGI ants and jaguars, too, but those are honestly the least of this movie’s problems.

It’s not a scary movie. It’s not really even a shocking movie — you see very little and the effects aren’t anything special. Some of the acting is terrible. The score is overwrought and in direct conflict with Roth’s frustratingly comedic script. If I had only known ahead of time that it was a parody, maybe I’d have enjoyed it more.

Anyway, I’ve thought it over and I’m pretty sure the best thing about The Green Inferno is the beautiful scenery.