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Worst Movies Ever

[1] Roland Emmerich must be stopped. Since 1996’s Independence Day, the director has been obsessed with apocalyptic disaster movies like Godzilla, 10,000 BC, The Day After Tomorrow, and 2012 — each one exponentially dumber than the preceding. When I heard he was directing a movie about the moon falling to Earth, I though, ‘Well, of course he is.’ I knew to expect mass destruction and …

[2] Herschell Gordon Lewis earned the title ‘godfather of gore’ because of this film, the first widely distributed movie to feature excessive blood and bodily mutilation. Its novelty with young drive-in audiences was so strong, that it allowed Lewis to write and direct dozens more of such movies for the next ten years. In this first bloodbath, Mal Arnold plays a peculiar grocery store owner …

[1] A patient escapes a mental institution and starts killing people on a nearby campus in this ultra-low-budget, supremely bad movie that has nothing to do with ‘Son of Sam’. The film is so poorly made that you’ll likely be shaking your head in confusion over the scripting, staging, and editing. The first few deaths in the movie happen when the killer puts his hand …

[2] First off, Demon Wind is not about farts. If it were, it would most assuredly be a more interesting movie. Instead, it’s about a young man (Eric Larson) who drags a bunch of his friends to the ruins of his grandparents’ house in the middle of nowhere. The old folks died under mysterious circumstances sixty years ago, and junior’s suddenly curious to find out …

[2] A woman and her boyfriend travel to her brother’s British estate after learning of his sudden passing. Once there, the sister-in-law begins flirting with both visitors while conspiring with a Satanic cult that likes to have sex. A lot. I mean, a whole, whole, really big lot of sex. I think about half the run-time of the movie is women squirming in exaggerated ecstasy. …

[2] Mary Tyler Moore (Ordinary People) and Christine Lahti (Running on Empty) star as newfound friends who discover a terrible coincidence — that the man Lahti is having an affair with is none other than Moore’s husband (Cheers‘s Ted Danson). Lahti is the first to realize the problem and tries to break it off with Danson. But fate intervenes, and the secret eventually comes out. …

[3] Horror maestro Wes Craven (A Nightmare on Elm Street, Scream) tackles voodoo and zombification in The Serpent and the Rainbow. Bill Pullman (Spaceballs) stars as an anthropologist sent to Haiti by a pharmaceutical company seeking the ingredients of a powder that is thought to give the living every appearance of being dead. Victims are buried alive while still hearing, seeing, and feeling everything. Along …

[2] Peter Cushing stars in this Amicus production about a collector of supernatural antiquities who comes into possession of the Marquis de Sade’s skull. Christopher Lee (in a cameo) warns him that the skull has the power to possess its owners and force them to do evil things. Cushing poo-poos the notion at his peril and ends up fighting the skull’s intentions for him to …

[3] John Travolta returns under the curious direction of Sylvester Stallone for this sequel to the mega-hit Saturday Night Fever. But whereas Saturday Night Fever was a sincere story about a young man with big dreams and lessons to learn, Staying Alive is just a plodding procedural love-triangle that climaxes in an over-the-top music number of camp proportions. Travolta’s Tony Manero character seems to have …

[2] Dennis Quaid stars in this remake of a 1949 thriller about a literature professor who has 24 hours to live, and he spends that time trying to figure out who poisoned him and why. I like Dennis Quaid a lot, but nothing can save this movie from the fact that it was made by pretentious film school hacks with an absurdly improbable screenplay. Quaid’s …

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