[3] Gordon Scott makes his debut as Tarzan in this entry. He’s a taller, beefier Tarzan — kinda cute, but certainly the dumbest of the lot. Poachers are in the jungle (again), and a well-meaning animal doctor is accidentally leading them into an area of the jungle ripe with big game. There’s also a skiddish African tribe called ‘the Sukulu’ drifting around in the screenplay. …
[2] German WWII soldiers killed and tossed into a French lake come back for revenge in this underwater Nazi zombie flick that is mostly famous for its generous amount of full-frontal female splendor. But it pretty much fails on all other counts: terrible makeup effects, chintzy war recreation scenes, underwater photography that was obviously shot in a YMCA pool, and a ridiculously sentimental subplot involving a …
[3] A cannibal stalks campers while the ghosts of his two children haunt the forest in this goofy wannabe slasher flick that, despite having nature at the ready, lacks any atmosphere whatsoever. There’s a nice scene where a bad actor doesn’t realize he’s eating his own girlfriend, and the soundtrack is kinda cool in that gitchy, synthesized way, but other than that, The Forest is …
[2] A worthless, boring sequel that would suck in any number of dimensions. The third act plays like a poor man’s Poltergeist and the payoff, featuring a demon that pops out of a hole and belches fire, is nothing but laughable. The third rate cast includes the incredibly bad Tess Harper, as well as Lori Loughlin (Full House), and Meg Ryan in one of her …
[1] A business man tries to capitalize on a town’s frequent Bigfoot sightings by capturing the creature for his own tourist attraction. This would be an awesome movie if it were 1979 and you’d never seen a movie before. Bigfoot is a big white fluffy thing that howls like a cat in heat. The music is the equivalent of Tangerine Dream throwing up. Plus, if …
[2] This movie is just too silly and disjointed for me. I hate it and I always have. It’s a boring, cheap, un-inventive waste of time and talent. I truly don’t get its appeal. The plot is beyond me, and why are all the aliens Jamaican? Why is Jeff Goldblum dressed like a cowboy? Why can’t the amazing John Lithgow rescue me from this torture? …
[2] Swingers is the reason we cannot let college students with broken hearts have movie cameras. If I had to say something nice about the movie, which somehow launched the careers of director Doug Liman and writer Jon Favreau, it’s that Heather Graham has probably never been photographed more beautifully. And I guess the male leads, including super-skinny Vince Vaughn, are all attractive. But that’s …
[2] A cheesy-looking bug alien goes on a rape rampage in New York City. Any actress inclined to go full-frontal will wind up the mother of its space spawn! Breeders is a thinly veiled attempt by a porn director (Tim Kincaid) to go ‘legit’. The result is a perfect mash-up of a B-monster movie and soft core porn, with copious female nudity, a handful of …
[2] Glaciers move faster than Robert Altman’s bleak post-apocalyptic drama. The ice-age backdrop is the only interesting thing about Quintet, but it’s completely irrelevant to the story line. Paul Newman plays one of the last survivors of the human race, all of whom hole up and play board games, waiting to die. One group of players ups the ante by wagering people’s lives. Something of …
[1] Pulse is astonishingly bad in almost every way imaginable. The only nice thing I can say about it is that leading lady Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars) seems to be doing the best she can with the material. But other than that, the film is like staring into a giant anus that never stops shitting on you. First there’s the idiotic concept — dead people …
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