[2] A bunch of sad, scowling, mopey teenagers cry and whine for two hours because they’re afraid to fuck each other. Some of them are vampires, some of them are werewolves, but nothing ever comes of it. And the main girl? Man, let me tell you. This chick is in MASSIVE need of some serious fucking. If she doesn’t get laid soon, I don’t know …
[7] Kathryn Bigelow (Strange Days, Near Dark) won the Oscar for directing this suspense thriller about three soldiers who disarm bombs in Iraq. The movie also won Best Picture, maybe just because nothing better came out during the year (except the REAL best picture, District 9, but I digress). It’s far from groundbreaking and surprisingly predictable — but it’s a brisk, entertaining flick that hits …
[7] Precious is the kind of movie a studio exec must dread hearing a pitch about: “So, there’s this girl, and she’s really sad, her daddy raped her, she named her down syndrome baby Mongo, her mother violently abuses her, she’s HIV-positive, and, yeah, it really sucks to be her.” Surprisingly, Precious doesn’t wallow in melodrama. It plays straight-forward and honest, and you really start …
[6] Drew Barrymore makes her directorial debut with what is basically a high school sports movie. It reminded me of those ’80s flicks where the young guy (be it Cruise, Bacon, Lowe, or Modine) commited himself to a sport his parents frowned upon, and then ended up winning their respect by winning the game. Well, just change the ‘him’ to a ‘her’ and make the …
[6] Shane Acker’s computer-animated post-apocalyptic fantasy is visually interesting, but the characters are bland and the story is wobbly. The movie is a tonal quagmire, trying to balance its dark and dreary subject matter with a kid-friendly PG-13 rating. The plot starts off unimpressively, presenting the aftermath of a future conflict between humans and machines, and surprise, surprise — we lost. The more interesting concept …
[7] Pixar has an uncanny way of dressing up an old familiar formula and making it seem brand new. Cars is a story about life in the fast lane (literally and figuratively), and the dangers of forgetting to smell the flowers and cherish all the little things. It could so easily have been cloying and cheap, but Pixar puts so much genuine emotion and sincerity …
[5] Sandra Bullock won an Oscar for her performance in this film, and that’s pretty much the best reason to see this movie. I’m not sure if it was the best performance of the year, but she is certainly very good — surprisingly controlled and low-key. I have mixed feelings about the story, which is supposed to be the inspirational true story of a Republican/Christian …
[6] Franka Potente (Run Lola Run) gets locked in a London subway station overnight and soon discovers she’s not alone. Someone, or something, is after her. Creep is a simple but solid indie horror thriller. It’s not terribly original, but director Christopher Smith (Triangle, Severance) is capable of building tension and conjuring some spooky atmosphere. And when the ‘monster’ is revealed, it’s not a let-down …
[3] Over the course of one madcap evening, two stoners entangle with vengeful midgets and whacky devil worshippers while trying to find enough money to repay their dealer. Director Allan Moyle (Pump Up the Volume, Empire Records) phones this one in. The comedy is forced and the leads (Scott Speedman and Wes Bentley) fail to find the right tone for the piece. I know the …
[6] Michael Cera plays a teen looking to lose his virginity in this lighthearted teenage rebellion romp that features some fun performances from the likes of Zach Galifianakis, Fred Willard, Jean Smart, and Justin Long — but it ultimately doesn’t offer much that we haven’t seen before. Perhaps the freshest element is the fact that Cera’s character conjures an alter-ego for himself who appears on-screen …
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