[7] Director Tim Burton (Edward Scissorhands, Alice in Wonderland) turns Disney’s animated classic into a live-action film that is both a remake and a sequel. Dumbo follows the original story in broad strokes, with Danny DeVito running a down-on-its-luck traveling circus where a baby elephant with enormous ears is born. At first, the baby is considered a freak. But two children of a returning war …
[7] New York teenager Miles Morales (Shameik Moore) is bitten by a radioactive spider and begins developing powers just like Spider-Man. He meets the real Spider-Man (Chris Pine) during an encounter with a villain named Kingpin (Liev Schreiber), who is using a giant machine to mess with the space-time continuum. Spider-Man gives Miles an order to destroy the machine just before he’s killed by Kingpin. …
[6] It’s another Marvel movie! And it’s on the high-end of average, like most of their releases. This one is all about a new character, a pilot named Carol Danvers, who becomes the title hero. She doesn’t know who she is or where she came from. She might be an alien. Or she might not. The bad guys might not be bad. The good guys …
[5] Tim Burton’s big-screen adaptation of Dan Curtis’ cult TV show Dark Shadows wants to be a comedy about a vampire transplanted from centuries past into the 1970s. That movie – one that focused on the vampire’s relationships with his surviving relatives, perhaps gaining their trust by helping them financially — could have been a good one. And thirty minutes into the movie, it looks …
[6] Writer/director Dean DeBlois wraps up the How to Train Your Dragon trilogy with a mostly satisfying finale. In this third film, young Viking Hiccup (Jay Baruchel) and his comrades discover a second, rare Night Fury dragon — and it’s a female. Hiccup’s dragon Toothless naturally falls in love with the new Fury, but when a nasty dragon-napper sets his targets on the two lovers, …
[3] Pia Zadora and Craig Sheffer star in a no-budget sci-fi rock opera that’s so abominable, it’s almost charming. When a bunch of space dudes in pink costumes land on Earth looking for the source of rock music, they find it in Zadora’s singing. While Zadora starts to fall in love with the lead alien guy (Tom Nolan), Sheffer gets jealous and decides to stop …
[5] Forces conspire to keep Harry Potter from returning to his second year at the Hogwarts wizarding school. Apparently, the big bad Voldemoort (who we still don’t see but hear about all the time) put a monster in a mysterious ‘chamber of secrets’ at the school, and only his true heir can unlock the chamber and let the monster out. This would suck because the …
[5] You know the story. Poor orphaned boy gets invited to a magical wizarding school and is destined to be the main adversary for a big bad meanie who is slowly manifesting (over, like, three or four movies). What I dislike about Harry Potter, in general, is how generic it is. Author J.K. Rowling has pulled just about every imaginable concept out of humanity’s collective asshole …
[6] Another passable Marvel movie. Let’s see. What was this one about. Shit. I saw about a week ago… I remember Paul Rudd and the new girl (Evangeline Lilly) spend most of the movie trying to get back Michael Douglas’ super cool high-tech laboratory. And it’s hard, because it can shrink just like Paul Rudd can, and be carried around like a toy. How it …
[7] The Apple is a glorious abomination of cinema that must be seen to be believed. Catherine Mary Stewart (The Last Starfighter, Night of the Comet) and George Gilmour star as singing lovers who are torn apart when an evil record label drives a wedge between them. Through religious allegory, disco, lavish song numbers, sex, and camp, the two are finally reunited at a hippie …
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