[3]

Hello, it’s the 1990s. We want our big, stupid action movie back.

I really, really disliked this movie. It’s so devoid of emotion and tediously boring, I thought about leaving before it was over. It’s like Con-Air for the 2010s or something. So maybe if you liked that big stupid Con-Air movie, you’ll also like this big stupid King Kong movie. But I guess I should say what it’s about first: a bunch of military people and some scientists go to a weird island where exotic monsters kill them all. King Kong lives there, and at first they are afraid of him, but then they realize he is the only thing protecting the peace on the island. There, I think that covers the story, such as it is.

I waited and waited and waited to like someone in this movie. I don’t always need to like someone, but I need someone to hang onto for the adventure, you know? But there’s no one in this movie. Everyone is mean, or stupid, or boring, or just a parody of a stereotype. Even if you love Tom Hiddleston or John Goodman, neither one of them plays a real character here — not even a two-dimensional character. And poor Samuel L. Jackson is left playing the worst of them all, a character so over the top all you can do is roll your eyes at him. And I don’t like rolling my eyes at Academy Award mother-fucking nominee Samuel L. Fucking Jackson. Eventually, John C. Reilly wanders into the movie, and he is far and away the most human and emotionally engaging element of Kong: Skull Island. But he was too little, too late, for me.

I’m told this movie is meta or something, like it knows how stupid it is and is making fun of itself. And I get that, at least in a few scenes. I’m just tired of that shit. Do we have to be ironic or sarcastic all the time? Are we that afraid of human emotions? I much prefer Jurassic World to this big stupid Kong movie. There’s a sense of genuine wonder in Jurassic that you do not get in Kong. I prefer the staging of action better in Jurassic. Kong is too video-gamey in its execution of action for me. Teenaged boys may be jizzing themselves about that scene in which Kong battles the helicopters, but that’s just shallow, show-offy bullshit without characters to care about. Jurassic World had characters — albeit two-dimensional stock characters — who I could latch onto and care about. I wanted those people to live, and that kept me engaged in the movie. Kong has no one in it. I wish they’d all drowned before reaching the island so I didn’t have to watch the rest of their big stupid movie.