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What a shitty Best Picture winner Gigi is. It’s a musical about an unhappy playboy (Louis Jourdan) and an unhappy debutante (Leslie Caron) who fall in love, but then out of love, and back in love, and out, and finally in again. Apparently neither one feels right playing by the rules of Parisian upper-crust society and doing what is expected of them, so they each rail against the idea of marriage, until they finally decide to do it anyway. And there’s your happy ending.

Neither the courtesan nor the rich boy are interesting or likeable. Far too much screen time is devoted to supporting players. None of the songs are memorable, and none move the story along. None of the numbers have any choreography or pizzazz. In fact, the ones that Maurice Chevalier sings are all from a chair. The man never moves — doesn’t stand up or even feign a kick. The songs in this movie are like watching paint dry. And how gross is the opening number, “Thank Heaven for Little Girls”? I mean, Chevalier is eying eight-year-old girls and thanking the heavens for giving “little boys something to do”. Blargh!

Somehow this dreadful turd won nine Oscars while Vertigo won none. I like to imagine Alfred Hitchcock muttering ‘bitch’ under his breath to Vincente Minnelli at some point during that awards ceremony.

Academy Awards: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Art Direction, Best Cinematography, Best Song, Best Score, Best Costume Design, Best Film Editing