[5]

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice feels like a movie with an identity crisis, tasked with performing two disparate, thankless tasks. The first is to set up a big fight between two iconic superheroes. You know, the kind of thing that makes comic book nerds leave sticky puddles in their Underoos. Thing is, for all the wonder you might have about this climactic showdown, how can it possibly be very interesting? It’s man against god, and only Kryptonite can give man the advantage — and sure enough, that’s how it plays out. And then you’re left with Batman hitting Superman over the head with the porcelain toilet lid. What’s worse is that we have to endure about 90 full minutes of the most ponderous plotting in recent memory to get to this visceral moment. And let me tell you — before this showdown, Batman V Superman is shockingly low on visceral moments. It’s a downright snooze fest.

One of the worst moments in the movie is the awkward transition from task one to task two, setting up for the Justice League movies, which may or may not be coming our way over the next god-knows-how-many-years. How on Earth do you go from Batman wanting to kill Superman one minute, to Batman calling Superman his friend the very next minute? Well, this is where Zack Snyder and the writers try to cash in a Hallmark moment, and I for one just can’t swallow the cheese.

Anyway, the second task feels an awful lot like an afterthought — like a quick rewrite performed on the screenplay half-way through production. We don’t really get to meet any of the other Justice League members except for Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot), who despite a few appearances beforehand, effectively just shows up at the end to help Bats and Supey (and their ridiculously forced newfound bromance) fight some big monster. Yeah, she’s cool. But she should have her own movie, instead of being third billing in this one.

The whole film builds toward another forced, un-earned, overwrought, dramatic moment that could have been truly and emotionally devastating if Snyder and the writers hadn’t sucked so incredibly bad at setting up Man of Steel a few years back. Even though Batman V Superman is a much more watchable and tastefully rendered film than the abominable Man of Steel, it can’t quite escape the former film’s wretched shadow. (#notmysuperman)

I don’t like how Zack Snyder gives every single scene the same operatic weight and scant length, demonstrating a complete lack of grace in storytelling. The film has a staccato rhythm that becomes cloying. The cinematography is predictably dark and de-saturated (ugly), and Hans Zimmer hooks up with Junkie XL to phone in an unremarkable score. The cast all do the best with what they have. Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill are both serviceable leads with few chances to really soar. Laurence Fishburne is probably having more fun than anyone as Perry White. Amy Adams is still wasted and mis-cast in the horribly conceived Lois Lane character. Jesse Eisenberg’s take on Lex Luthor may annoy some, but I thought it was interesting — certainly no detriment to a movie with far greater problems on its hands.

With Holly Hunter, Jeremy Irons, and Diane Lane.