Black Candles (1982)

[2]

A woman and her boyfriend travel to her brother’s British estate after learning of his sudden passing. Once there, the sister-in-law begins flirting with both visitors while conspiring with a Satanic cult that likes to have sex. A lot. I mean, a whole, whole, really big lot of sex. I think about half the run-time of the movie is women squirming in exaggerated ecstasy.

Black Candles, also known as The Sexual Rites of the Devil, is a Spanish sleaze fest — which is totally fine. There’s a place for sleaze in the world and I’ll defend its right to exist. No, the movie crime committed here is that the movie is boring. Sex gets boring. The orgy ending might as well be documentary footage of your grandma’s quilting group, because by the time you get to it, the film has already blown its wad.

If Black Candles wanted to be a sex movie (a porno with a plot), then the filmmakers desperately need to learn some new positions. And, unfortunately, there are only a limited few possible when you’re determined to hide every penis. The lengths they go to block schlong in this flick is ridiculous. Boobs everywhere, of course. What makes the effort more puzzling is that Black Candles is completely fine depicting a woman having sex with a goat, and a man getting anally skewered with a sword. But no weenies. What the hell?

I know what you’re thinking, too. “Scott, goat sex and butt skewering can’t possibly be boring.” I wouldn’t believe me either. But trust me. And if you have to give this turd a gander, don’t say I didn’t warn you.