[8] Special effects maestro Ray Harryhausen brings Greek myths to life in Clash of the Titans. The story centers on heroic Perseus, favored son of Zeus, who must accomplish several deadly chores in order to save his beloved Andromeda from being sacrificed to the monstrous Kraken. The film features a wide array of stop-motion animated characters, including Pegasus the winged horse, Bubo the mechanical owl, …
[6] Don Bluth’s films (The Land Before Time, The Secret of NIMH) tend to be too mature for children and too immature for adults. Consider All Dogs Go to Heaven, where one moment you have cutsey critters singing a cringe-worthy song about sharing, and then you have a dog literally escaping hell to say goodbye to the little orphan girl he betrayed. At least All …
[2] A bunch of sad, scowling, mopey teenagers cry and whine for two hours because they’re afraid to fuck each other. Some of them are vampires, some of them are werewolves, but nothing ever comes of it. And the main girl? Man, let me tell you. This chick is in MASSIVE need of some serious fucking. If she doesn’t get laid soon, I don’t know …
[6] Shane Acker’s computer-animated post-apocalyptic fantasy is visually interesting, but the characters are bland and the story is wobbly. The movie is a tonal quagmire, trying to balance its dark and dreary subject matter with a kid-friendly PG-13 rating. The plot starts off unimpressively, presenting the aftermath of a future conflict between humans and machines, and surprise, surprise — we lost. The more interesting concept …
[8] Pixar returns to the toy box for another adventure with Woody, Buzz, and all the other toys who helped make the first Toy Story so memorable. This time around, Woody is kidnapped by a toy collector and the other toys must launch a daring rescue. The sequel is more action-packed, pitting the toys against big city traffic and Buzz Lightyear’s nemesis, Emperor Zurg, before …
[5] You know this story by now, even if you haven’t seen the movie: Girl meets vampire, girl wants to screw the vampire, but vampire is too good for that shit. I don’t generally like a story where one character pines obsessively over another (which is why I don’t like most John Cusack movies), so when two characters start pining obsessively, I’m bound to be …
[8] It’s been 11 years since Toy Story 2, and the same amount of time has passed in Buzz and Woody’s world. Andy is now heading off to college and the toys’ fates are up in the air. Will they go with him? Will they go to the attic? Or worse, what if they get thrown away? The movie explores all these possibilities and ends …
[3] Chris Evans and Dakota Fanning star as supernaturally gifted people on the run from a government agency that wants to control their powers. Think X-Men, but way watered down and not nearly as cool. There’s some mediocre action in the beginning and a little more at the end, but the long middle portion of this movie is tediously boring, overburdened with more plotting and …
[4] Director David Slade (Hard Candy, 30 Days of Night) tries to elevate the material to Lord of the Rings status, with several gratuitous aerial fly-over shots and a suitably brooding score from ‘Rings’ composer Howard Shore. But, somehow, infuriatingly, and against all probably odds, Eclipse is still an interminable snooze-fest. The first three-quarters are like New Moon all over again (ie, Chinese water torture). …
[6] Too mature for children, but too immature for adults, Legend of the Guardians may never find an audience beyond those thirteen years of age or thirteen at heart (guilty as charged.) It’s a dark, computer-animated fantasy based on a series of books by Kathryn Lasky. The story is a bit muddled, but it pulls together for the most part. Our hero is a young …
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