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When the army took over Disney Animation during WWII to make training and propaganda films, old Walt was forced to make a series of ‘package films’ to keep the studio afloat until he could afford to make another stand-alone feature story. These package films were collections of various shorts jammed together to make a feature-length program. One of these, and perhaps the worst, was Fun & Fancy Free. As much as I generally love Disney Animation, I hated this fucking movie.

Pinocchio‘s Jiminy Cricket walks us through the program in clunky fashion, first playing a record for two sad toys, giving Dinah Shore the opportunity to narrate the story of Bongo, the first of the two major shorts in the movie. And I just gotta say it. Bongo sucks. It’s probably the single-worst thing I’ve seen come out of Walt Disney Animation. Ever. It’s about a circus bear who escapes the circus train, wanders into the woods, falls in love with a doe-eyed girl bear, loses her to a big brawny bear, gets her back from the big brawny bear, and that’s it — the end.

That it’s so basic isn’t my biggest problem. It’s the disgusting display of gender stereotypes that makes me barf my guts out. Now, I know, I know — I sound like one of those horrible ultra-liberals whose so politically correct he can’t even move. But I don’t care. This movie’s too juvenile to appeal to adults, so the gross caricatured behavior concerns me. I mean, this is the kind of movie that teaches girls to be sluts and boys to be predators. The girl bear vogues like a super-slut in heat and Bongo is head-over-heels in love with her on first sight — so much so, that the infatuation clouds his mind and hypnotizes him. I know a lot of cartoons and animated films love to portray boys and men as empty-headed buffoons when a girl or woman walks by, and I know a lot of people find this reduction cute and charming, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. It’s insulting. So fuck Bongo. Fuck Bongo in the ass and all the way to Hell.

When the record’s over and Dinah Shore shuts her narrating trap, old Jiminy gets a bewildering invitation to join Edgar Bergen and a bunch of creepy ventriloquist dolls at a little girl’s birthday party across the street. I want you to re-read that last sentence. Cuz this is a birthday party for a little girl, in which there are absolutely no other children present. The only other human guest is the entertainer, Edgar Bergen. And his ventriloquist dolls. This is at night. And the girl’s parents aren’t even around. Okay, I’m just going to leave this part alone for now.

Anyway, Bergen then tells the story of Mickey and the Beanstalk. After the horrifying monotony and monstrous portrayal of gender in Bongo, I was looking forward to seeing Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and Goofy in a classic fable. Unfortunately, Edgar Bergen and his ventriloquist dolls never shut up. They narrate and interject all over Mickey’s adventure, giving precious little time to character interaction or hell, even dialogue. It’s cute when Donald Duck goes crazy from hunger early on the piece, and the animation is clever when the beanstalk lifts the three friends up into the heavens without waking them from their beds… but other than that, Mickey and the Beanstalk is a dud.

And so is Fun & Fancy Free.