Tarzan the Ape Man (1981)

[3]

Bo Derek plays Jane to Miles O’Keefe’s mute Tarzan in Tarzan the Ape Man, a cheesy, wannabe-erotic adventure that suffers from poor craftsmanship and a confused tone. The film is directed by Bo’s husband John Derek, who is clearly determined to deliver soft-core porn with this movie. That intention is muddled by the more serious involvement of Richard Harris as Jane’s explorer father. Harris is a bit of a ham in the film, but not quite enough to warrant forty minutes of the movie alone with Bo before they even get to Tarzan, and certainly not for a protracted, sentimental death scene (you SO shouldn’t care about spoilers with this movie).

The movie’s best when it’s cheeky. Highlights include Jane playing with Tarzan’s unconscious body (“I’ve never touched a man before”) and scenes of both Tarzan and Jane playing with elephants and monkeys. And if you want nubile flesh, Bo and Miles have curves and bulges in all the right places.

John Derek can’t direct action to save his life. When Bo gets trapped in the ocean by a lion waiting for her on shore, Tarzan shows up and just sort of stands between the two of them… for, like, five minutes. I wasn’t sure what the hell was even going on. And later, when Bo gets attacked by a big jungle snake, Tarzan wrestles it away from her. In sloooooow motion. For, like, five minutes. And during the third act climax after Tarzan comes to Jane’s rescue with a herd of elephants, the day is saved after Tarzan jumps onto the big bad native and hits him on the head. In sloooooow motion. For, like, another five whole minutes. The slow motion is comical. And the rest of the movie suffers from unimaginative camera angles, sloppy editing, and a cartoon-like score.

So if you just want to see Bo and Miles get mostly naked, skip the first forty minutes of the movie and keep your finger on the fast-forward button. If you want a truly erotic Tarzan movie, I’m sure someone’s made a better all-out porn version. And if you want a Tarzan movie that’s actually very good, then check out Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes.

With John Phillip Law (Barbarella, Danger: Diabolik).