[7]

The Apple is a glorious abomination of cinema that must be seen to be believed. Catherine Mary Stewart (The Last Starfighter, Night of the Comet) and George Gilmour star as singing lovers who are torn apart when an evil record label drives a wedge between them. Through religious allegory, disco, lavish song numbers, sex, and camp, the two are finally reunited at a hippie commune. But when the record company invades to make good on the lovers’ contract, only God himself may be able to save the day.

The Apple was made in 1980 and takes place in a futuristic 1994 that never knew disco would die, and that alone makes it very fucking special. The cars, sets, and wardrobe are all yesterday’s vision of tomorrow — as hilarious as it is dazzling. The film was meant to be Israeli movie mogul Menahem Golan’s big splash in Hollywood, and when the film underwhelmed audiences, he reportedly contemplated suicide. (He later went on to co-create Cannon Films, so don’t feel too bad.) The film has a threadbare script with no character development, and the world it creates is alienating in so many ways… but MY GOD. This movie should have been aborted and it WASN’T. It was allowed to be born. And not just in some low-budget back alley. The Apple is lavish and huge and expensive — sprawling sets, weird and sexy outfits, subversive lyrics and kinky musical numbers.

My favorite number, “Coming,” features several sex partners doing coital acrobatics in a series of beds, singing, “Make it harder and harder, faster and faster; And when you think you can’t keep it up; I’ll make it deeper and deeper, tighter and tighter; And drain every drop of your love”. Another number depicts Stewart and Gilmour as Adam and Eve in the underworld, being tempted with the titular apple by a dude wearing nothing but a sequined g-string while people in animal masks run all around them.

It doesn’t matter how weird or bad this movie might be. It’s special. It’s really goddamned fucking special. I mean, Joss Ackland plays God for fuck’s sake. God who drives down from heaven in a gold cadillac to save the day. Fuck!

Leave all your expectations at the door. Smoke some pot or drink a little. Let The Apple wash over you like a drug-induced fever from 1980, before we knew disco would die or that padded shoulders weren’t really such a great thing. Watch the beautiful faces and bodies, behold the glittery g-string, and wait for the movie to show you what an “actual, actual vampire” looks like. Weird, bad movies don’t come any bigger than this.

With Miriam Margolyes and Grace Kennedy, songs by George S. Clinton, and choreography by Nigel Lythgoe. Watch Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films for more about this odd flick.