[4]

Director David Slade (Hard Candy, 30 Days of Night) tries to elevate the material to Lord of the Rings status, with several gratuitous aerial fly-over shots and a suitably brooding score from ‘Rings’ composer Howard Shore. But, somehow, infuriatingly, and against all probably odds, Eclipse is still an interminable snooze-fest. The first three-quarters are like New Moon all over again (ie, Chinese water torture). The story threatens to throw some action at us, but waits until the very end to do so, and it’s not nearly enough to save the movie.

While watching the three leading characters squabble over who loves who the most, I decided to try identifying why these movies are so awful, and I dare say I’ve figured it out. There’s no nuance. No subtext. No interpretation. No subtlety. In short, no sophistication. You know exactly what the characters are thinking because they scream it at you… over and over and over again, and for two more God-forsaken movies. And all you know about them (quite literally) is that they either love or hate each other. Who is Bella? Who is Edward? Who is Jacob? Fuck if I know. I just know they all have curiously strong feelings for one another.

When I try to think of something just as pointed and shallow, the only thing that comes to mind is pornography. That’s what I think Twilight is for its young female fan base. It’s ’emotion porn.’ Both Twilight and pornography offer point-blank appeal, unfettered by plot, character, or meaning. And since I’m generally a big fan of porn, maybe I should stop knocking Twilight and let the girls have their jollies. ‘Cause I certainly enjoy having mine.