Twilight

[5] Paul Newman stars in this L.A. detective story from director Robert Benton (Kramer vs Kramer), about a down-on-his-luck P.I. who lives with two movie stars (Susan Sarandon and Gene Hackman) who are married to each other. Newman starts to get suspicious, though, when Hackman sends him to deliver money to someone, only to discover a murder has taken place. The murder leads to clues …

[2] A bunch of sad, scowling, mopey teenagers cry and whine for two hours because they’re afraid to fuck each other. Some of them are vampires, some of them are werewolves, but nothing ever comes of it. And the main girl? Man, let me tell you. This chick is in MASSIVE need of some serious fucking. If she doesn’t get laid soon, I don’t know …

[5] You know this story by now, even if you haven’t seen the movie: Girl meets vampire, girl wants to screw the vampire, but vampire is too good for that shit. I don’t generally like a story where one character pines obsessively over another (which is why I don’t like most John Cusack movies), so when two characters start pining obsessively, I’m bound to be …

[4] Director David Slade (Hard Candy, 30 Days of Night) tries to elevate the material to Lord of the Rings status, with several gratuitous aerial fly-over shots and a suitably brooding score from ‘Rings’ composer Howard Shore. But, somehow, infuriatingly, and against all probably odds, Eclipse is still an interminable snooze-fest. The first three-quarters are like New Moon all over again (ie, Chinese water torture). …