[4]

A man named Kris Kringle (Edmund Gwenn) steps in to replace a drunken Santa in Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, and does such a good job that Macy’s then hires him to play Santa in their stores during the holiday season. But when they find out he claims to be the actual one-and-only St. Nick, they try to have him institutionalized. Miracle on 34th Street resolves in a courtroom trial and a mawkish ending that reaffirms good Christian values like lying to children and teaching them to believe in things that can’t be seen or proven. Like Santa Claus. Or God for that matter.

I mean, what kind of a mother is Maureen O’Hara here, telling poor doe-eyed Natalie Wood (an early performance but not even her first; I swear to God she came out of the birth canal acting on camera) that it’s okay to believe Kringle is the real Santa because we can’t always prove the things we believe in. She mentions God specifically, of course. But if God gives you license to believe Santa is real, then shit, kid. Believe in anything you want. Open your mind so wide that it falls out of your fucking skull. Mommy just scarred you for life. And she was doing so well until Santa Clause came along.

So as you can tell, Miracle on 34th Street isn’t my kind of movie. It’s a movie for nervous children and fearful adults, a soothing crack cocktail for those who’d  rather take fourteen steps back than one step forward. One of these days we’ve got to sit down and really and figure it out: Why the fuck do we think it’s cute to lie to children?

At least the scene in which Santa teaches Natalie Wood to act like a monkey is funny. She makes a terrible monkey. It’s like she’s never seen a monkey before. She’s more like Quasimodo coming down from the bell tower for cheese.

Academy Awards: Best Supporting Actor (Edmund Gwenn), Best Original Story, Best Original Screenplay

Oscar Nominations: Best Picture