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Movies like this bring out the valley girl in me.

So, like, I just don’t give a shit about Thor, okay? Watching a bunch of thee-and-thou types running around in nightgowns and armor is just silly, you know? And what is Anthony Hopkins’ problem in these movies? He’s like, Thor’s dad and the king and everything, but then he turns around and he’s all mean and shit? Like, in the middle of the movie, Thor and his brother Loki are trying to escape from their own dad — for real? Like, do you really think Hannibal Lecter would blow his own kids out of the sky? They always kiss and make up at the end, so I don’t even know why Hannibal gets in a tizzy in the first place.

And does anyone ever die in Thor land? They’re like, gods and shit, right? But then there’s a big funeral, like Princess Di and Michael Jackson totally combined, but I’m like — wait a minute. Are we being punked? That bitch is probably going to come back to life with a kiss or a magic walnut or some shit, so why is the music so sad?

And, like, what the hell was this movie about? I know Loki is like Thor’s brother, and they’re all weird with each other because Loki blew up New York in The Avengers and all, but then Thor’s all — Okay, Loki, I’m gonna trust you, so let’s work together. And so I was like, yay! This movie’s gonna be a total bromance, but after ten or fifteen minutes, we’re like, back to the Thor show and shit again.

I know there were nasty elves, and stuff disappearing everywhere and then reappearing in other places, and the bad guy wanted… well, I think he just wanted to kill everyone. Like, everywhere. Anyway, they explained the bad guys at the beginning, but it felt like school, so I just kept trying to open my Milk Duds. I think they wanted this big red swirly twisty thing that got all rapey with Natalie Portman. I figured if it mattered, they’d explain it again when I was paying attention, but they didn’t, so I was like, when’s Hemmie gonna take his shirt off again?

And he never did.   🙁