All Dogs Go to Heaven (1989)

All Dogs Go to Heaven (1989)

[6] Don Bluth's films (The Land Before Time, The Secret of NIMH) tend to be too mature for children and too immature for adults. Consider All Dogs Go to Heaven, where one moment you have cutsey critters singing a cringe-worthy…
Twilight: New Moon (2009)

Twilight: New Moon (2009)

[2] A bunch of sad, scowling, mopey teenagers cry and whine for two hours because they're afraid to fuck each other. Some of them are vampires, some of them are werewolves, but nothing ever comes of it. And the main…
9 (2009)

9 (2009)

[6] Shane Acker's computer-animated post-apocalyptic fantasy is visually interesting, but the characters are bland and the story is wobbly. The movie is a tonal quagmire, trying to balance its dark and dreary subject matter with a kid-friendly PG-13 rating. The…
Toy Story 2 (1999)

Toy Story 2 (1999)

[8] Pixar returns to the toy box for another adventure with Woody, Buzz, and all the other toys who helped make the first Toy Story so memorable. This time around, Woody is kidnapped by a toy collector and the other…
Twilight (2008)

Twilight (2008)

[5] You know this story by now, even if you haven't seen the movie: Girl meets vampire, girl wants to screw the vampire, but vampire is too good for that shit. I don't generally like a story where one character…
Toy Story 3 (2010)

Toy Story 3 (2010)

[8] It's been 11 years since Toy Story 2, and the same amount of time has passed in Buzz and Woody's world. Andy is now heading off to college and the toys' fates are up in the air. Will they…
Push (2009)

Push (2009)

[3] Chris Evans and Dakota Fanning star as supernaturally gifted people on the run from a government agency that wants to control their powers. Think X-Men, but way watered down and not nearly as cool. There's some mediocre action in…
Twilight: Eclipse (2010)

Twilight: Eclipse (2010)

[4] Director David Slade (Hard Candy, 30 Days of Night) tries to elevate the material to Lord of the Rings status, with several gratuitous aerial fly-over shots and a suitably brooding score from 'Rings' composer Howard Shore. But, somehow, infuriatingly,…
Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole (2010)

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole (2010)

[6] Too mature for children, but too immature for adults, Legend of the Guardians may never find an audience beyond those thirteen years of age or thirteen at heart (guilty as charged.) It's a dark, computer-animated fantasy based on a…
Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)

Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)

[7] Hey, it's another Spider-Man movie! Before I've even finished processing the previous two incarnations of the franchise. Tom Holland takes over the title role after making an appearance as Spidey in Captain America: Civil War. The best thing about…